


Eat Up!

by spikesgirl58



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 02:02:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4810637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikesgirl58/pseuds/spikesgirl58
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Take three bored Canteen workers, an agent with the reputation of eating anything and it's the start of a very bad day...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eat Up!

Even while we are sitting outside of Mr. Waverly’s office waiting for our reprimand or maybe even our termination notices, I still say it was well worth it.

It was Tuesday, a lousy stinking Tuesday.  Outside it was raining and cold, in the kitchen, it was hot and stuffy. 

Kenny had burned some toast earlier and the smell hung around like an uninvited guest.  Of course, it had to fight with the tuna -Tuesday Tuna Surprise – the surprise was that we made it the day before - and the fermented bean paste that Lilly was using for the chicken stir fry.  It wasn’t as bad as we tried something with durian.   The kitchen stunk for a week after that as did everything it came in touch with.  How something so tasty could smell so bad is beyond me.

Anyhow, it was a typical low energy Tuesday.  I knew the recipes like the back of my hand and nothing seemed appealing. 

“Hey, Gordon, supply just called.  They have some limburger cheese.  Do we want it?”

Gordon shrugged.  “Sure, give it to Kuryakin.  He’ll eat anything.”

That made me pause.  “Will he?”

“Will he what, Sarah?”

“Eat anything?”

“Remember when we got that Vieux Boulogne in?”  For those who don’t know, it was once deemed as the stinkiest cheese in existence, even worse than limburger, if such a thing was possible.  Kuryakin hadn’t batted an eye when we served him some.

“Well, maybe being a Section Two means he’s more culinarily adventurous,” I suggested, while stirring the risotto.  You always had to stir the risotto, but I didn’t usually mind.  It gave me time to think about other things.

“Nah, I heard he grew up eating dirt and whatever garbage he could find.  Poor kid, it’s terrible to be orphaned at such an early age.  That’s why I always make sure we have his favorites on hand.”

Gordon made a rude noise.  “Poor kid?  He went to school in France and England and that’s why I make sure we have croissants and kippers on hand for him--”

“And I know for a fact his parents are still alive,” I interrupted.  “That’s why I make sure we have blinis and dill…”

“Horse puckies!” Lilly blurted out.  “He told me--”

“And he told me just the opposite!”  Gordon wasn’t giving an inch.

Just to be a smart ass, I mumbled, “He told me that he was descended from Catherine the Great, but had to keep it quiet so that the KGB wouldn’t hassle him.”

“But he was KGB…” Lilly started.

“And GRU…” Gordon added.

“And even with Scotland Yard…”  I looked at my coworkers.  “My friends, I believe that we have been played.” I moved the now done risotto off the heat.  “And I do believe a little payback is in order.  When is he due in?”

“Um, he’s in the office today, so he and Napoleon should be along just after two.  They tend to eat late.”  Lilly couldn’t tell you what the agents were wearing most days, but she knew all their eating habits.

“Then here’s what I think we should do…”

 

The trap was set.  There were a few of our regulars who drifted in at the last minute and we brought them in on the joke.  They scattered when Solo and Kuryakin arrived.

Solo seemed to know that something was up almost immediately, but Kuryakin was wearing those bizarro glasses of his and reading a file.  They grabbed trays and got in line.

“And what delights do you have for us today, Lilly, my girl?”  Napoleon was a shameless flirt and Lilly ate it up.

“We are trying something different today.  We had to use up some back stock, so we have has to improvise.”  She gave him a wink and a nod back to us.  Gordon held up a sign and Napoleon nodded. 

“All right.  I’ll have some of that and that and just a touch of that.”  He pointed stuff out and moved right along.

“And for you, Mr. Kuryakin.”

“Oh, a little of everything, please.”  He never looked up from his file and moved the tray along to the cashier.

“That’s okay, it’s been taken care of, sir.”  Helen was always ready for a good joke.

Kuryakin looked up at that, startled.  “Oh, thank you.”  He carried the tray one handed to the table and sat down.  He and Solo exchanged a few words and then he went right back to his reading.  He stuck his fork into something and stuffed it into his mouth.  It only took two bites, but then he set aside the folder and looked at his plate.

“I don’t know what he’s reading, but it had to be great… oh, oh, here he comes. Brace yourself.”

“What is this, please?”  His tone was firm but polite.

“Jellied moose nose.  It’s quite the treat in Canada.  We have a group of them visiting and we thought they’d appreciate it.” Just the look on his face was worth the gagging I’d done while preparing it.

“I see.  And this?”

“Liver Pate En Masque.  It’s our dieter’s special.”  The dieters would love it in that it absolutely defied any actual edible attraction.

He indicated a piece of pizza.  “Please explain this?”

Gordon jumped in.  “That would be our tuna pizza.  It is traditional to have that on Tuesday and we are trying something other than Tuna Surprise.”

“Don’t.  I don’t even know how to identify this…”

“It’s Deviled ham whip with green peas and cauliflower.”

He actually shivered at that.  “And what was the last thing I ate.”  He pointed.

“That was our daily special – spaghetti galantine.”  God help me, but Gordon actually sounded proud.  “We took the leftover pasta from last night, added some gelatin…”  Kuryakin backed away.  “But sir, you didn’t even try the tomato soup cake or the Veg-all cake.  They are yummy.”

He returned to his table and I could see him in a heated discussion with his partner.  Neither of them looked very pleased with us as they left.  I wasn’t surprised that neither of them finished their meal.

I also wasn’t really surprised when our boss, red-faced and seething, burst into the break room.

“Waverly’s office, now!”

So, there we sat Gordon, Lilly, and me with Lisa Rogers shooting us ugly looks from time to time.  She had her handkerchief out and covered her nose with it.  It wasn’t our fault that the limburger cheese had gotten runny and all over our aprons. 

The door slid open and she waved us on, coughing delicately.

“Remind me to add extra spice to whatever we serve her next,” I whispered and Gordon shook his head.

“No, remember we are better than them. They come to us begging for sustenance.” Gordon patted my shoulder and I nodded.

“I know. We are the few, the unrecognized.”

“If not unsmelled,” Lilly added.

Mr. Waverly was sitting at a round table, a plate of food to his right. “Ah, good afternoon, thank you for coming.”

“We had a choice?” Lilly whispered, but Gordon schussed her.

“Yes, sir.”

“So, I understand there has been a subtle change to the Canteen menu today.”

“Yes, sir.” I spoke up, taking a step away from my colleagues. “It’s really my fault. We decided to see if there was something that Mr. Kuryakin wouldn’t eat. We didn’t know he’d go straight to the top. We were just having a little fun.”

“I wanted to commend you.”

Gordon was surprised. “Sir?”

“Why, I haven’t had jellied moose nose in years! This is just how I remember.” He laughed then. “And the deviled ham was delightful. Now I know I’m not supposed to influence the food choices in the Canteen, but I would not be unhappy to see similar adventures tackled in the future. Might I suggest Lemon Salmon molded salad? My wife used to make one and I’m sure I could get the recipe from her. I’m sure it would be a great hit.”

“No good deed,” I muttered.

“Of course, that might mean the need to increase our budget as our stores aren’t quite set up for such culinary adventures on a daily basis,” Gordon said. It was well known that the Old Man was a penny pincher.

“Say no more. I will speak with Accounting and make it happen.” He laughed again. “And don’t be surprised if there’s a little something extra in your pay packets this month.”

We all looked at each other with a mixture of dismay and uneasy glee. “At what price happiness,” Lilly murmured and I nodded.

“Now what was this nonsense about Mr. Kuryakin turning his nose up at perfectly good food?”

“He didn’t care for the spaghetti galantine, sir.”   Gordon scuffed the carpet with the toe of his clog.

“Nor was he wild about the tuna pizza,” I added.

“There’s more?” He clicked on his intercom. “Miss Rogers, hold my calls for the next hour. I am going down to the Canteen. I have some dining to do.”

All of these are actual recipes and can be found in my Live Journal at:

<http://spikesgirl58.livejournal.com/> under the tag – what were they thinking?


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